Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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