so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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