Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
