I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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