If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
