My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
