Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
