i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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