I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Its about making memories worth repressing
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
