the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
