Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
