you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
