Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
