you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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