i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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