Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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