I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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