so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize