Sry I called you an 8
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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