everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
