then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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