Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize