yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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