I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
