Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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