i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
