haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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