Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
