I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
