I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I puked a lego.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
