You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
