so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
