im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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