I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
