Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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