I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize