I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
