Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
