So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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