we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
