I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
