i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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