Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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