I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
