It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Randomize
