They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
