My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
