Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
