i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
