Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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