don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
