Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
