I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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