I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
