I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I think im going to throw up on grandma
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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