so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
