My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
