I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
